Men get laid, but women get screwed.

Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure.

Flee, but while fleeing, pick up a weapon!

The only certainty in life, is death.

Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Politics is far too important to be left to politicians.

A man who wears socks to bed obviously has something to hide.

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.

X-rated movies are all alike... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer still.

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.

If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game-show host.

A pessimist is someone who's never disappointed.

There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say - unless you insist on saying it.

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.

Government doesn't work.

Hell is a city much like London, a populous and smokey city.

Human kind cannot bear very much reality.

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein - it rejects it.

Whilst one can choose one's friends, one cannot, alas, choose one's family.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.


Multimedia? As far as I'm concerned, it's reading with the radio on!

Life is far too serious to be taken seriously.

Sleep is for tortoises.

Anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot; anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.

The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Health food makes me sick.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Sometimes the devil is a gentleman.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Every country gets the government it deserves.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Life - a sexually transmitted terminal condition.

Logic merely allows one to be wrong with authority.

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

Don't look back - something might be gaining on you.

A man who tires of football tires of life.

Life's too short for chess.

If you can't be good, be careful.

Cheer up, things can only get worse.

Everything you know is wrong.

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The good die young - because they see it's no use living if youve got to be good.

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.

Any nitwit can understand computers, and many do.

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.

Work is a four-letter word.

Pity the sick and ignore the ignorant.

History is a set of lies agreed upon.

Why read a novel when you can read a newspaper.

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

Don't anthropomorphize computers - they hate it.

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.

Fear of death is worse than death itself.