Any given computer program, if running, is obsolete.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Nonconformists are all alike.

I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Down with gravity!

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If you can't be kind, be vague.

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

How can there be "self-help groups."

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I've always wanted to work in the Department of Redundancy Department.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Twenty-four hours in a day. Twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.